In the realm of cinema, the remake is a double-edged sword. While some remakes can breathe new life into classic films, others are mere shadows of their predecessors, leaving audiences scratching their heads and wondering, 'Why?' Today, we delve into the murky waters of cinematic remakes, exploring five films that, in my opinion, never should have happened. These are the remakes that not only failed to add value but also managed to offend and disappoint in equal measure. Prepare to embark on a journey through the cinematic sludge, where the only thing that flows freely is the frustration of moviegoers everywhere.
The Unnecessary: Poltergeist (2015)
Imagine witnessing the iconic supernatural horror film, Poltergeist, and thinking, 'I can do that.' This, in a nutshell, is the mindset that led to the 2015 remake. Directed by Gil Kenan, this film is a prime example of why remakes should be approached with caution. While the original, helmed by Tobe Hooper and Steven Spielberg, is a masterpiece of haunted house cinema, the 2015 version is a mere shadow of its predecessor. The original's iconic performances, from JoBeth Williams to Beatrice Straight, are replaced by a cast that, while talented, fails to capture the essence of the original. The result is a film that, in my opinion, is wholly unnecessary and might as well have lived in the liminal space inside Carol Anne's television.
The Disappointing: Total Recall (2012)
Len Wiseman's Total Recall remake is a prime example of a film that should have been left untouched. The original, directed by Paul Verhoeven, is a stone-cold science fiction classic, despite its deviations from Philip K. Dick's novelette. With a stellar cast, including Colin Farrell, Bryan Cranston, and Kate Beckinsale, the 2012 version should have been a standout. However, it falls flat, lacking the intrigue and memorability of the original. The characters are bland, the story is unengaging, and it's a far cry from the satisfaction of the original. In my opinion, this remake is a reminder that sometimes, it's best to leave the classics alone.
The Misguided: Robocop (2014)
Perhaps we should stop trying to remake Paul Verhoeven's films altogether. The 2014 Robocop remake, directed by José Padilha, is a prime example of a film that should never have seen the light of day. The original is a twisted, bloody masterpiece with scathing commentary on a system that brings you back to life so they can work you to death. The 2014 version, however, is devoid of vision and lacks the twisted fun of the original. With a stellar cast, including Joel Kinnaman and Gary Oldman, the remake should have been a shot at adding something worthwhile to the Robocop mythos. Instead, it's a film that, in my opinion, is a missed opportunity and a reminder of what could have been.
The Uninspired: War of the Worlds (2020)
H.G. Wells is likely spinning in his grave over this one. The original The War of the Worlds broadcast in 1938 caused an unprecedented panic, and the 2020 remake, directed by Rich Lee, is a claustrophobic Screenlife tragedy. Filmed in isolation and on a $10 million budget, the film is a viral laughing stock, despite starring Ice Cube, Eva Longoria, and Clark Gregg. While critics often hail it as 'one of the worst films ever made,' it's a remake that, in my opinion, is a grim reminder of times when society would rather flip its fellow humans a middle finger than wear a mask in enclosed spaces. Poorly acted and visually compelling only in the way watching paint dry is, this remake is not worth the hard drive space it occupies.
The Offending: Point Break (2015)
Ericson Core's Point Break remake is a prime example of a film that offends in ways that make other films on this list look like unpolished gems. First of all, why? Second of all, if you're going to attempt to recreate the rush of Kathryn Bigelow's original, you'd better bring more than a couple of surfboards and performances that cannot begin to compare to the chemistry between Keanu Reeves and Patrick Swayze. Core's film trades personality for flash, a soundtrack that gets you pumped for a mixtape of throwaway tracks, and intensity for bland action that feels more like the most boring parts of an extreme sports video you found on YouTube than anything that's genuinely thrilling. In my opinion, this remake is a chokehold of a phantom mask around my neck, a reminder of the time spent watching this movie that I'll never get back.
